tis the season to be jolly...

Christmas is horrible. Right now.

The preparation of Christmas was quite wonderful, until it got to the actual day.

You see, on Christmas eve, my family usually celebrates with the entire family, and we all eat dinner, exchange gifts, and everyone at least gets 2 gifts or more.

But, no. Definitely not this year. We're going to stay home, and have our own plans, then gather the next day.

Half of my family at home wants to eat & sleep, while the other half wants to get the heck out of the house. I'm the second half.

And to top it off... someone who I thought could have possibly been dead, shows up at my door. I thought he was gone... forever, he took a piece of me with him. And he shows up at my door? No. It just doesn't make sense. But it was all true. It was as if everything was back to normal... but not quite. Of course he had to leave, and my thought and visionary of a perfect family was gone.

This Christmas sucks.

I even tried to get into the mood.

WE ARE OUT!

THANK GOD. Finally out of school, and having the TIME of my life.
Amazing 2 nights I think I've ever had in my life. LEGIT.

All of these unexpected plans managing to work out.. man, I'm getting pretty lucky.

Let me tell you how my Friday was:
I didn't go to school, but instead went to my elementary school trying to get hours. I got half an hour. So that's good.. right? All the teachers were very welcoming. They gave us some food, which was a bonus, and the main reason why we went, aha.
Once again, such a sad experience. Memories replayed, but they never came back to life. But, whatever. This break will be stress free for sure!

Today (Saturday): Woke up at 9. Collapsed 15 minutes after getting up, going to the computer, and attempting to wake up my mom. Got ready for an hour and drove to York Dale! Found some Christmas gifts. My process so far on shopping? ALMOST DONE!
After that, did some laundry.. like I promised my mother dearest, and arranged some plans to go partying! Damn, plans for the party (for me) were so hectic and stressful. But, it was a good thing it all turned out well in the end.
I accomplished a lot IN THE END... so, I proved you all wrong, whoever called me chicken!
The party makes me SO STOKED for someone who's having a New Years Party.

5 down... who else is up? ;)

not the BEST thing to do.

I guess this isn't really the best thing to do, considering the fact that I have a HUGE science test tomorrow on Ecology. Oh man, as I was reviewing for the past almost-hour, I realized there was so many papers in the unit that we had to study; compared to Chemistry and Electricity. I think my habits for high school aren't so good, elementary school was way better. Easier too, hah.

I literally just want to rip all the test papers up and make sure I get a good mark. My mark is HORRIBLE. And I'm pretty sure it went down too... not good! UGH.

On the plus side... hold on, let me try to think of the plus side... Oh yeah, for me, school ends tomorrow, because I'm definitely not going to school on the last day. To do what exactly? Go to shortened classes and watch Transformers 2. Hell no, I'm not going to listen to guys moan and fantasize about Megan Fox. Yuck.

I don't really have much to add on to the plus side. I just need to get this test out of the way, get some sleep, and figure out my plans for the days to come.

For about 2 hours that I could have used to study for science, I used up the time by experimenting with my hair. BTW, tomorrow is dress
down day. ;)

I got it from a tutorial off of YouTube, bohemian inspired. It looked nice, until I curled it. It's always so hard to curl the back of my head. :(

No Regrets?

6 months ago, I found myself graduating from Elementary School. Sure, it's not as important as graduating from High School, but it was a big thing to me. Maybe not then when it was happening, but now, I'm kind of starting to overflow with the memories of elementary school.

Today, I visited my elementary school with the intentions of trying to find opportunities for community service hours. Instead, I had a long talk with my grade 7-8 teacher about how things were, and stared at the whole room I spent 2 not-long-enough years in...
For 2 years, I struggled outside of school life, but still happened to go to that place and act like everything was normal. It was my home away from home. My escape when reality failed.
I just missed its presence. SO much. I can't even believe that I was able to let go.
6 months ago, I couldn't wait to get out of the place... now I just want to go back. Life is pushing my to get out there, and I'm resisting at the moment.
Oh man, the whole time, all I could see was a replay of SO many memories that happened in those 4 walls...

I don't like the feeling of regret. But right now... I feel the feeling of remorse. I feel like I abandoned it all, to go along with the rush, but now I can't even slow it all down.


remorse [rɪˈmɔːs]n

1. a sense of deep regret and guilt for some misdeed

2. compunction; pity; compassion

Dreams ripped at the seams

Let me tell you this dream I had last night...

So there I was. And there he was. He was with me. Walking with me. I knew the end of the world was coming. Literally. I guess 2012 came earlier than expected?
There I was trying to mend what we had... we did have something, right? Words were not clear, but they sure needed to be. I saw pain in his eyes, and the little bit of innocence I knew of him.
I felt like I was pouring my heart out, because this was the day, the world was going to end. I thought maybe, for one last time, we'd have a chance to be "us" again.

I never found out.

Lately, my mind has been overloading on memories that I thought I erased. I remember this time last year quite clearly... I've come a long way.
Honestly, I just want to kick and scream until it just all comes back, and the knowledge I have now, I can apply then, so I could just change it.

Do you think of me?
Will you & I ever be "us"?
Would you care if I died?
Why is this so hard for me?
Why did this happen?
Why can't it all come back?

why? Why? WHY?

please.. tell me why...

Well, this is what I want.

1. Camera - can't believe I've almost lived through a year without one...



2. Abercrombie Perfume - mmmm... smells so good. I love walking in the store and smelling it. They practically bathe their clothes in it.

3. Starbucks Gift Card - Starbucks is my new addiction.



4. Pashmina Scarves - these are SO warm. I want one in EVERY color.



5. Pig Hat from Boathouse

6. Marc Anthony Curling Mousse or other hair products - Marc Anthony Curling Mousse works SO well on my VERY straight Asian hair. It's unbelievable.

7. Boot Slippers

8. Curler



9. iPod speakers - for parties, of course. ;)



10. ROOTS sweat pants - I love sweatpants. I can feel like the ugliest or prettiest person in them.



11. New Cellphone - have you seen mine lately? So many scratches & cracks on it, from 2 years.

12. Pajamas/Clothes

13. Makeup - just new mascara, or the marker eyeliner. :)

14. NEW shoes - yuck, have you seen my converse?

15. Jewelery - I own jewelery from grade 6... and I still wear them too. :$

16. Hat with pom pom - so cute.



17. Warm Colorful Sweaters/Cardigans - my wardrobe lacks these.



18. Red Olympic Mitts

19. Hollister Bag



20. Plaid/Floral/Zebra Print Tops - inspired by Kaminski.



21. New telephone

22. Much needed haircut...

23. Another Starbucks card wouldn't hurt - :)))) addicted, I tell you.

24. 1 inch Flat iron

25. New iPod Earphones - mine are crusty.

26. pretty headbands

27. Talula Mitts - they are SO warm.

28. Socks - I love fuzzy toe socks in the winter

29. Bras & Underwear


30. You ;)

Loving the Starbucks

Last night, I had in mind what I wanted to talk about... 10 hours later, that thought is gone.

Yesterday, I came up with the brilliant idea to hang out at Starbucks & have adult talks. (One slight problem... I'm only 14, haha.) So, at around 7:30 "ish", 3 of my friends & I met up at Starbucks. Out of the 4, the ditsiest one of all happens to bring $60. Of course, my best friend says, "why don't we go to the mall? It closes at 9:30, due to holiday hours."
And off we go... Instead of buying clothes, we ended up getting food from our ditsy friend, and walked over to starbucks when the mall closed.
Luckily, Starbucks closed at 11. We stayed there, fulfilled our adult talk with talks about deaths around our age or around the area. I indulged in not 1, but 2 peppermint mochas.. mmm.

In the end, we got kicked out of Starbucks at 11.

At the end of the day, I realized that these items were added to my wishlist: a Starbucks gift card, ROOTS sweat pants, ..... and that's probably it.

Tug of War

As I sat on the bus and stared out the window, I came up with this: "Love is like tug of war. You need two people to tug & fight on each side to keep the the game going. Once one player gives up & walks away, the other continues to fight.. but falls. When you have both of them put down the rope & walk away, the game is over."

Oh, the irony...

Clearly, there was only one person fighting to keep the game going... but of course, I fell.
What do I do? Do I give up?
I remind myself to just leave the past in the past... but I continue to drag it along.
You know the feeling, when you want something (..anything?) to happen with someone, but they absolutely have no interest in you? It just makes you want to give up.

But on the brighter side, I regained the best friend I was missing for a while... Sure, I lost a couple of things in the process of, such as the ability to take a shower and two hours of sleep, but in the end it all worked out. What a beautiful friendship. ♥

inspiration & perspiration go hand in hand

"It's 2 am, feeling like I just lost a friend." - Breathe, Taylor Swift

Actually, it was about 5 pm, when I felt like I lost a friend. She became a best friend, and I foolish thought that, that would never change.
But, right before my eyes, we both drifted apart.. slowly, but surely. I look back on the beginning of this mishap, and what did I do to stop it? Nothing.
I guess the mutuality was clear, "if she didn't say hi, neither would I." or "I don't know you anymore.." "Neither do I."
I wanted a way to just BREAK THE ICE. I want to just take a hammer, and break what ever is in between us. I really do.
And if by any chance you're reading this, I miss the way things used to be...

Inspiration and... Perspiration?

Luckily, this blog contains no traces of perspiration. Words that rhyme in a sentence always make it better, don't you think?

This was MY inspiration to start up a blog:

"This is for every person who has held hope in finding love, and holding onto one person for too long even after all the heartbreak; hoping that there will come a time when that person could realize how much you want to love them and give that to you in return."

It touched me, because for some weird reason, I can fully relate. Just when you feel like the flame in your heart is out, you shelter & ignite the flame once again. sometimes the feeling of rejection, just makes you want to give up and walk away, but you never know...right?


I haven't walked away yet. I still have hope..sadly.